LEAVE ME ALONE.

i can hear the fire whistle behind the screams of torment. it sounds like a warning. darkness is falling. as the wail grows less imminent makes it feel like time is running out. its not fair. nothing is fair. life is not fair. oh and the things that ive seen. im feeling 17. i wish i was 17. rotting in defeat. i can feel the vibrations with my head on the floorboards but i dont move because i cannot move... something is leaking.. something is staining my eyes. the christmas lights glow like fire in the other room.

Dear Zach,
All I can do is stare at your picture....and think... "Is this for real?"
I can't even tell if I'm still in shock or what the hell is going on.
I went to tell wish you a Happy Birthday on your facebook...only to find out that you're gone?
How fucking insane is that? How rediculous?! This cannot be true... I know you're going to text me back, tell me you are drinving past Clarion, or that your listening to some Journey and you thought of me. DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'....
I cannot believe that you're gone. Never again will I be able to text you to tell you that I'm thinking about you... or to tell you that you're daughter and your family is beautiful, and that I hope everything is going well, and how is your job search going? SO MANY THINGS I STILL HAVE TO SAY TO YOU.....
Do you remember when we first met? Oh how you made me angry!! I saved your ass...haha...."your nails are really pretty..." ....then I gave you a fork for your goddamn cheesecake that you had to have... and I noticed how blue your eyes were. From then on I was caught....I cannot even understand how in such a short span of time you made me care so much about you!
But thats how you were. You were a force to reckon with. You were an impact. You were a part of me that I will never forget. Obviously you impacted far more people than you ever even knew. This loss has rocked many people to the very bone. You were a friend, a father, a brother, a son, and a love to so many people. You were unstoppable when you were going for what you wanted. You were daring and most of all, no matter how hard you tried to be hard....You were a sweetheart! And you could totally read me! You knew that no matter how hard I tried to hide my own feelings, You would make me smile, and bring out the truth. You were always so positive about others and you would never let somebody else give up. You were a trouble maker!! You were a pain in my ass!!! and I couldn't get enough of you!  We knew we weren't meant to be, and from those the screaming and the talking and the crying and the laughing.....we formed a wonderful friendship. Don't forget when the girls made me make a sign to hang on your hotel room, DIRTY BOY! TAKE YOUR BOOTS OFF! It was such a pleasure to talk to you when you came home from work, I won't lie. I looked foward to every moment I spent with you. Even when I had to carry you [who I may add weighed atleast twice what I did] up the stairs and throw you in your bed. When I stopped to pick you up from Rays because you wanted to walk home and I wouldn't let you. "Surely you didn't tell Shirley!" - or when you yelled at that guy at the gas pumps and I had to leave so we didn't get beat up. Haha, When you fell asleep and I locked my keys in your hotel room and I couldn't go home... cause you were passed out and you wouldn't wake up! When you hid all the beer cans in the drawer to scare Sue, every night you came down to watch me fold laundry....Your 21st birthday when you told everybody in Marienville who had been serving you all summer that you just turned 21!! Haha, and remember how you fell asleep on my couch with a beer in your hand and your face was all fucked up cause you face planted outside of the Loomis while Jim was buying more beer! I'll never forget trying to steal your wrestling shirt and the warmth of your smile and your arms when you hugged me. I'll never forget anything about you Zach. You truly changed a part of me for the better and I will NEVER EVER forget that. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART! I truly hope that you have found peace in a place that is much better than here. I read a comment somebody left about your daughter growing up to be like you... God Help Us! and again, God BLESSES US! I hope that someday she will know how amazing her father was and how many lives he has touched. I really cannot believe that I am saying goodbye to you Zach... I would give anything to see you just one more time, just to talk about the old days...
Zach, I know you are up there having one hell of a birthday bash. and I know you wouldnt want me down here crying on and on for you....You would want me to grieve, and then move on. You were such a strong person, and all I can do is smile when I think of you. Oh Zach, please know that no matter when, I will always smile when I hear Journey or Johnny Cash and think of the wonderful guy who changed my outlook on life. I LOVE YOU! I'm going to miss you with all of my heart!!! I will never forget you. Rest In Peace brother... I'll see you again someday.

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'...


RIP ZACHARY ISSAC WEART, JULY 21ST, 2009.
I will never forget.

 

Mondays FUCKING SUCK.
Today was rediculous. Seriously. Mondays are FUCKED.
I was ready to leave when 7PM came. Yeah. 7PM
That wasnt even the problem. I didn't even mind. Judy is sick so me and Nicole split her shift, It's overtime. Awesome.
The day in a whole was no fun though. One thing after another - complaints and bullshit....
Phone wouldnt stop ringing. Like, I'd be on the phone, and the phone would be ringing, Then as soon as I'd hang up one phone call the phone would ring again, like, this seriously went out for an hour. It was insane. I just wanted to breathe... Then some guy hit the other side of the canopy thing outside. About 2/3 wks ago somebody hit the front of it and knocked down a giant beam... and that shit was insane. Jason wrecked his truck that night, and I was at work until 4am and it was just crazy. Then today when he hit the other side I almost cried. I know the sound now. Fuck. haha. I took pictures with my phone but I dont feel like uploading them.
Then like, some lady came in and was pissed cause she didn't have a first floor room, and it wasn't requested and she couldn't understand why she was told this was the better hotel, but how old is this place? and blah blah blah. and then she said the front [refering to the canopy area that is all fucked up now because of two incidents, including today] looked TACKY. I told her it just happened today. I was just so annoyed. GRR!
BANG BANG BANG IN YOUR HEAD FUCKER ! BANG BANG BANG AND YOU'RE DEAD FUCKER!
haha. that wasn't towards her,just the song. Haha. SORRY
I'm in an EVIL mood.
and I'm drinking all of Matts beer.
I dont know, I dont have anything else to bitch about. Hahahaha
I'll write later when I've calmed down, Maybe.
;)

Fucking punching babies. yup. that's how I feel right now.  I feel destructive. angry. fucking stupid. sometimes I wonder if maybe there REALLY is something wrong with me...I mean...the violent thoughts in my head... they are not few and they are not pretty....
I have issues with things that people used to say and do to me... when they happen again, and its not the people you'd expect doing them. Actually this is just a bunch of hot air I'm blowing out my ass. Fuck it.

Fuck most everything right now cause I'm fucking pissed off.
Whatever - I'm actually being dumb, and I was going to talk myself out of it, but then I read something that probably wasn't even directed towards me and my stupid GIRL BRAIN is taking it to all new levels and blowing it up. In my head. ATOMIC BOMBS.
Grrrr...
It's hard to explain, and you may think I'm just bullshitting, but seriously, sometimes I can't even think straight - I mean, my GIRL BRAIN is fucking STUPID! I do and say and feel things that I KNOW I shouldn't. but I do, and I can't override that switch and I want to scream. LOUD.
I used to be prettty good at it... but fuck it. I'm a fake. [I'M A FAKE!] I'm so totally NOT as cool as you think I am.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
Subsiding. Ignoring. Burying....*roars*
I don't want to do anything, I want to go back to sleep.
I am a jealous person. of dumb things. Like time.
stupid....I was doing so well! For so long! Fuck MY Life!
ha.....
Damnit I'm hungry and its only 8:30am - Also the pool is full of children and Im going to EAT THEM! muhahahaha...
yeah fuck you.
Fuck you too!!!

Not much later on....

Cyanide and Happiness has a strip of a fireman and a stripper pole...and I want it... Jason sent it to me as a bumper sticker on facebook, and I want the big one! They are all fantastic though. hehe...

<a href="http://www.explosm.net/comics/1553/"><img alt="Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic" src="http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/sdvj.png" border=0></a><br />Cyanide & Happiness @ <a href="http://www.explosm.net">Explosm.net</a>

YES!! I FOUND IT!!!

<a href="http://www.explosm.net/comics/1550/"><img alt="Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic" src="http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/stripperfireman.png" border=0></a><br />Cyanide & Happiness @ <a href="http://www.explosm.net">Explosm.net</a>

Here's a chance to see how well you really know your husband. Cut, paste and fill in the answers, then forward . . . shoot, you know what to do. The real challenge is to send it to your husband to see how right you really are.

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen? PRS or Taps - History Channel - Monsterquest

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad? ranch.

3. What's one food he doesn't like? onions

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order? either mt.dew, miller lite or backdraft brew [of course depending on where we are] food...steaks, ham wedgies, we like our pizza with ham and shrooms.. lol

5. Where did he go to high school? Keystone

6. What size shoe does he wear? 14? canoes!

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be? hmm. firefighter stuff. stamps at one time... hehe

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich? he eats everything. he likes ham a lot... usually he'll get like an italian, or a deli - cheeseburgerss!

9. What would this person eat every day if he could? hmm... pizza probably cause its the only thing he can cook... haha and cream of mushroom soup with toast. and. chicken dip.

10. What is his favorite cereal? hm. idk. we dont eat much cereal. apple jacks?

11. What would he never wear? pink

12. What is his favorite sports team? steelers i guess.

13. Who did he vote for? he didn't.

14. Who is his best friend? me! hm. barry? huck? jeremy?

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do? hm. i dont know, i say "i'm sorry" a lot. he hates that.

16. What is his heritage? haha, the name Aaron is jewish i think? but he's probably german like evrybody else around here.

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake? chocolate!!!!

18. Did he play sports in high school? basektball basketball and basketball

19. What could he spend hours doing? sitting at the hall, oh wait, he does that.

20. What is one unique talent he has? he's the only person who can make me smile when i dont even want to open my eyes.